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So I have been going through this time in my life that I really feel is destiny. I have struggled with meaning and motivation for over a year and a half now. I just get up and do what I have to do. I feel nothing about anything anymore. Before there were things I wanted and wanted to do in life. I just feel comfortably numb. Like I don't care about anything. Kind of like dead inside. I can't figure this out. It has been the toughest time of my life. I have let go of everything inside. I don't know it is hard to explain how I feel. I really have lost faith in pretty much everything. I find a spark of happiness but it is fleeting. I guess I am waiting. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for guidance and I feel as if all is silent. I do not trust anything I hear inside. I truly hope that somehow things will change. Has anyone every felt this before?

Hi Kat,

Right at this very moment I am too.  I've been struggling with this for about a year I suppose.  I totally understand what you are trying to explain...as I see it anyway.

I too, have been asking for guidance & looking out for signs for I am on the right track, or this is what I should be doing.  

All I know at this moment...(well I think so, anyway) is that, I have to concentrate on the 'inner' me, & work on my mental health issues, which is why I am not working at the moment...but also, another reason came to me a month ago too...I am glad I am not working, as my son started high school this year, & I have really needed to be home for him.  So then again...something you wouldn't even think about, is what you should be doing at the present moment.  

So, in theory, if I wasn't having health issues (depression, ADD, phobias) I would be out there working, therefore not spending the quality time with my son, which he has needed & now he is flourishing in his first year of high school.  

Anyway, I guess too right now, I have also answered & confirmed my own question

Yeh I know what you mean. I am sure I am doing what I am supposed to, in the sense I don't feel out of sorts. I am not working on disibility right now because of hip surgery. This is something I have been planning and working on for over a year now. So that is a good thing and I still need the other hip done so I am focused on getting that done next. It is just weird that I feel a deep, deep emptiness. Like I have no passion for anything. Like life doesn't shine and there is nothing that moves me. I had hoped for a while to find someone in my life and now I just want to be alone. I don't know if my heart can reach out to someone anymore. I mean I care about my daughter and family and pets and those kind of things. Just not feeling like  putting any effort into anything.

Jamie, it is great you can spend time with your son. That happened to me kind of. My daughter has always lived with my mother. Well I lost my really good job (shut the place down) and I had to move in with my mother, so I was able to connect with my daughter and have time with her. It has been great. That part of my life was years ago and I am still here with my mom and daughter and I know this is where I need to be right now. I can not afford anyplace of my own anyway. This is part of my journey, finding a job that I can support myself and move out, but that will come in time. I am trying to have faith in that. But I really don't care right now. I just feel like a piece of wood floating down the river. There is nothing I control and nothing I can do but float.

Hi Kat

We have a lot in common.  I too, live with my mum & my son.  Plus also we have added another family member to our household which is my Grandmother who is currently in hospital at the moment.  I am also on the disability pension mostly for agoraphobia.  And it is just too expensive now a days to go renting on your own or being a solo parent.  

As for feeling the emptiness & just lost...I too, know exactly what you are going through.  I feel I have lost some passion for life.  I have been single for 4 years now...never been married & wonder if I will ever find someone to share my life...I'm 39 & sometimes I do feel a bit down from that...but I also have come to realise that I trust in the Universe & at the right time, right place...I will have a wonderful person in my life.  Heehee, perhaps even marry one day.  

You are probably like me, are just living!  Day in, day out.  Have you tried writing a journal or just done daily writing...asked the Universe for inspiration on what to do in your life?  I find if I ask the question, I get the answer instead of going via meditation.  All I know, my answer is right now, is to get me healthy again, go walking & get fit physically.  

Also, take note of what you sense...perhaps you just need rest, perhaps you are trying too hard.  Sometimes I forget about 'why' I am not working, go look at jobs & see one I like, & think 'oh yes' I think I could do that...then I remember, sh*t, I have trouble leaving the house, how the hell am I going to go to work everyday.  Small steps forward is what I have to do, instead of jumping into a big pool.

Anyway, it was wonderful to read your reply Kat.  Big ((((hugs)))) to you

Jamie,

Yes we are very much alike in that. Nothing like family. If is wasn't for my mom, I would be in the streets or working so many jobsI would never have any time to do a thing.

I am on disibilty for hip surgery that is corrective. Out of work until the end of May. I am planning the other hip right after so I only hope to be back to work for a couple of weeks, if I am lucky. This is something I have been waiting to do for over a year. My hips have been bothering me and have hampered my hobby of hockey goalie and other things in my life. This has at least given me focus. I really want to change jobs. I thought the one I have now would be the one to last me but alas,no. I have been looking for a job that where I will be able to support myself and I haven't found one yet where I can make money and at least be semi-happy with it. It will happen though. Have been studying bartending and hope to maybe break into that. I like people and it would be a good job with flexible hours and I could make a living at it at least, I think. We will see.

I guess at this point I trust god/universe. I just don't know. I am still praying for guidance and guess I am right where I am supposed to be. But I do have to admit, I have lost quite a bit of faith. The "feeling" is just not there. I know you know what I am talking about. It is really hard to explain. I just feel blah. Like nothing, not happy, not unhappy just blah. Somehow I believe things will work out and one of these days I will have a change. As for me I have been married and divorced all in the same year. It was a good thing. Not sure why I married in the first place. I have posted in some other places on this site about the 5 year on and off relationship that has kind of put me where I am at now. I still have a place for him in my heart. I always will. Some people say you can't move on if that person is still there. I don't believe that as you can always have love for someone. Anyway, I totally can not understand the lesson I was supposed to learn. I still don't understand. I have meditated, prayed, asked, begged to understand and nothing. I felt like there had been enough time since our separation to find someone else and nothing. I have male friends but that is all. This is why I am beginning to feel, whatever. Like I will not feel love another man again and I just don't care. Funny thing is I kind of went through feeling this before I met the man that I still love. I just don't know anymore. I felt like I was getting signs but nothing happens. So I do not trust my inner voice most of the time because I think it is just my head trying to sound like my guides. I believe in angels and guides and gods, but I feel abandoned, kind of. I have not tried to write a journel. I have written poems and just written feelings.  I know everything for a reason, but somethings I still have not figured out yet and it seems like it has been a long time. I guess sooner or later will be the right time, as for now it seems like later. HAHA. So I am just trying to focus on my surgeries and getting back to where I was and looking for a new job in that time. That should be plenty and I find that kind of stuff easy. If the gods want me to be alone, well then they and I are doing a great job of it.

Best of luck with what you are working on. I can't imagine what it would be like to have a fear of leaving my house. Sometimes in the day I look forward to getting out of here. I like my time here with my kitties and lying in bed reading my book and on my computer. I love sports though and I am a ice hockey fanatic. I am a goalie and that is part of the reason I have hip problems. Even through all of this I have maintained my passion for this. It is not always strong but it has been a light in the darkness for me.

I pray for you and hope that this time is the time you need to work things out. I can't thank  you enough for resonding to my posts. It is always nice to know you are not alone.

Kat

Hi Kat,

You know I was thinking...maybe you feel blah, cause you're waiting!  Waiting for the surgery & I guess frustrated too. 

As for being alone...well, I know that if you cant make yourself happy, then no one will... so its important to realise that...& I guess if I were to be alone for the rest of my life then so be it...I will still be happy.  I honestly would rather be alone & happy than with with someone & have arguments or disagreements.  Not saying that happens all the time...but I certainly can wait for the right person, instead of rushing in (like I have in the past) & discovering their true self!

I thank you too, for responding.  It's been lovely.  I come here from time to time, so I'll always be around.

The only reason I mentioned journals as in writing how you are feeling as its best sometimes to write it out instead of just summing it up in your mind...plus it helps you understand exactly what it is you are feeling.  For me...if I do this, I can analyse what parts of 'me' I need to work on.  This may not be the best advice for everybody though, I'm just sharing what is good for me. 

I'm glad you got your kitties - I'm a huge animal lover too.... best of luck with your surgery & for getting the other side ASAP, so you can get on with your life...but remember your resting period as of right now, is obviously something for you to ponder on, it may not hit you now, but it will.... you may discover or realise something you never thought of before.

May the Universe continue to guide you with love & light.  ((((hugs))))

Jamie,

Thanks so much. I like to write poetry or just write, not really like a journal. It is good that that works for you. I write out my feelings, but lately haven't been there in my mind to write. I don't want to rush into anything either. I too would rather be alone and happy then with someone and unhappy. It is just I haven't been very happy alone. I haven't really been unhappy though either. That is why I am trying to figure it out. It is a good time for me to rest and reflect I know. It is funny as I have alot of patience for many things. I am just waiting to be able to look back on this time and understand. I wish you all the best and pray that things all come together for you also. It sounds like you have your heart and mind in the right place.

hugs and angels,

kat

Kat at April 27, 2010 at 7:29 PM

So I have been going through this time in my life that I really feel is destiny. I have struggled with meaning and motivation for over a year and a half now. I just get up and do what I have to do. I feel nothing about anything anymore. Before there were things I wanted and wanted to do in life. I just feel comfortably numb. Like I don't care about anything. Kind of like dead inside. I can't figure this out. It has been the toughest time of my life. I have let go of everything inside. I don't know it is hard to explain how I feel. I really have lost faith in pretty much everything. I find a spark of happiness but it is fleeting. I guess I am waiting. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for guidance and I feel as if all is silent. I do not trust anything I hear inside. I truly hope that somehow things will change. Has anyone every felt this before?

Kat,

   I wasn't going to sign up for another website, but when I read this I had too.

I went through that for a long time, I use to wonder if I was going through a 40 year time in the desert.

It wasn't 40 years but boy sure felt like it.  I think mine was, I was about to embark on a new and sometimes scary journey in life, and If I hadn't gone through that I don't think I would be where I am right now. Still don't know exactly what is going on but I have an idea.  But all my life views have changed. And I feel like I am coming out of a box that I was in my whole life and just didn't realize it.

I can't get into more, just want you to know it could be for a reason and we just don't realize it while we are going through it.  Please hang in there and be open!

Can't say thanks enough. Just nice to know of someone who has gone through a similar situation. As of late I am just trying to listen to my angels and know that I am on the right path. Anything else I just try to come from love and let it go.